I grow restless as the days go by, not because time is running out, but rather because I have no sense of migration. Home. Now that's a thought, but I very well remember the mandatory gatherings that I need partake in. Listening to my aunties bitch and moan about their upper middle class problems. To hear them criticize people that have no direct effect over their lives makes me realize how the people around me are no different. I complain about the people who wound me - the ones who are completely out of touch with the human condition. But it's even hard for me to react to kindness because I have learned to expect contempt, and even cruelty. I don't want to be around people like this, but I also need company. I do not wonder what they say of me behind my back. It's easier this way.

During hours like these, I think of people at random. My mind wanders and strays so suddenly like the flight path of a fly. It lingers, stands, bides, and then departs. It is never constant in its journey. There is no theme and no meaning. And it makes me sad during the moments I do think of this. Lately, my facial muscles have become incredibly lazy. They do not smile, as if an anchor were holding the sides of my jaw down to the very bottom. But when I think of them - family, friends, acquaintances, people that make strong impressions - I can't do a think. My thoughts cannot transcend past the intangible. I've wished for magic all my life, or at least some means to get pass this final stage, which I cannot seem to do. I think a life out here will keep me from smiling, but if by the smallest chance I find someone to hold right to my heart, I think I can accept this. As if I'm all powerful. I've dreamed of it. Planned of it. And poor execution results in failure every day. And then I fade into the hills, rolling over their fathers - also hills.