Unclear decision(s)

The universe came crashing down, one world at a time. And then something happened - single-celled organisms evolved and became multi-celled organisms. It rained. Vegetation grew, which multi-celled organisms consumed. The species evolved and then started to think for themselves. They overran giant landmasses, settling the planes, building structures, editing and revamping new society as they saw fit. And then, in the end, those evolved multi-celled organisms became as distant as celestial bodies are. They do seem "close and kindred, like stars" (Dunn, John and Mary, Different Hours) but are really light years estranged. Is that not so strange? Nature is not so much tragic as it is natural.

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Another abstract random-writing session done. This is, of course, ironic because I hate philosophy and the concept of it. Continuing on - thank you, HAWK mother.

I am becoming less and less engaged with the idea of doing City Year, perhaps because of the online process, as well as drops in morale. I didn't really have to go in to work today. Let me retype that. I didn't really have to go in to work today. For that, I could feel cheated, but instead, I feel merely disappointed that even if that time were freed up, I'd have nothing to do. "Nothing" being: painting, listening to music tracks I've already heard scores of times, diving - which I did this very morning, reading random articles, and hanging out with myself. Anyway, I have spent a good half-hour exploring the volunteerinternational.org website and found it to be most interesting. There's no scholarship tied in, of course, but this is an opportunity for me to jump-start everything. I hope to regain some of the zen I've lost in undertaking the journey of applying, waiting, and/or filling up the time in-between. But so far, I see that everything that's happened in the past month (this expedia deal concerning the Big Island trip, the Utada concert dilemma - still, I have found no one to go with; etc), let alone past week, has been a waste of money, time, and resources. I swam out to the break today and screamed my jubilation that I still exist (in different garbled words). In sooth, it felt much better than therapy but did nothing. I have concluded through my pre-meditation - I will meditate on this - on the matter that I need something very much not American. I need something to remove my mindset from the cold, hard, gritty, and bitter reality of a tanked world economy and being alone. I need to revive everything positive within me that has perished and sensitize myself. That is the best course of action. But before I can take any steps forward toward my goal of self-regeneration, I need to settle immediate responsibility-dilemmas (that are solvable) and have closure with the school year - meaning, finish and then go from there. Hopefully, I'll be able to begin my new adventures in the summer.

Having wrote that out, I must profess that this plan of mine is two-fold and has some potential of changing. I must also admit that I no longer care about Hawaii as much as I once did. Because I grew up hanging around people my parents' age and hearing their stories, I didn't realize until later on that the 70s were over. Good times like that are gone. All that's left to do is live it up responsibly until all's unrecognizable - the aina, the kamaaina, the system, the country, the people, the world.

This is good.