A friend told me last year that she earnestly believes that if you really want something to happen, it will happen. Like a skeptic, I cannot help but doubt. Believe me, I do want to believe that the very act of wanting, wishing, pining, yearning, and believing - to ardently put faith into whatever it is somebody wants - may come true as a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. But given the history of my love's labor lost, I find myself trapped in a perpetuated cycle where I am to never break so free as I have dreamed. And so - the prophecy reversed - I remain, ipso facto, as is. I did find her name, however. And that makes me wonder if I could ever have the backbone in the near future to put everything but one aside. I wonder if I could act on love, if it's love. Wishing it's love. Bloody Shakespeare, why could I have not met her earlier on (this question, I asked myself 3 years ago)? Why am I so powerless? Why does it kill me to even look at people? There is much certainty that despite her flaws, she is the stronger person. I know she is. It's based on a feeling. It's subjective, but there was something so wonderful about her that affected me and stirred my mind into knowing that she is so beautiful (I tried reaching for another word). It is the afflicted who know that what they must make up for in body, can be all conceived in the mind. Such a powerful thing.
Humor is a wonderful trick that makes life seem short. It is phenomenal. Time goes. I wonder if I shall see Christopher again. And his company. And more. Jobless, I have decided to change the direction of my efforts to a place with a growing job market. And even if there is a bubble, I anticipate the country has much more in their financial arsenal to continue the sham and the lie. I shall live a in a transparent lie, thousands of miles away from this woman, my family, and friends. And I wonder why I do this to myself, despite the fact that it is a great opportunity. People are excited for me. They live much more stable and mundane lives than I, but they make it so much more interesting, so they do not feel this continuous burning. Perhaps it's youth. I would not sacrifice my feelings, but rather let it taper out with age, like them. Yes. The cycle, again. What of jobs, I wonder. Perhaps I should seek employment with HNB again this summer. It could be helpful. We shall see
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