I think I'll save an hour each day just to focus on writing my novel. I finished a page today. It's quite crude, but my idea is that my story must start traditionally, with a well defined-regional, as well as ethnic dilemma. And hey, it's progress. No harm in that most of the time.
Having felt the ardor of competition and mutual rivalry in my earlier days at Punahou, I recall now one of the things that always sort of calmed me down and made me realize hey, it doesn't even matter because of this - special needs children. Having worked with the kids at Variety School (let's get one thing straight - I'm no saint; this was mandatory but I got to choose), I found that all of them are quite wonderful. Sure. Many critics of the education of special needs kids argue that the time that it takes for them to develop is exponential in comparison to other kids. I see their reasoning but I can also see the kids for who they are. They are beautiful because they won't be the best dressed, most popular (popularity doesn't even come into PLAY whenin this kind of environment), or have to deal with the conventional rites of passage and fully realize their coming of age side effects. They will remain innocent. Sloppy. Simple in mind. They will be extremely sensitive to stimuli and be afraid. Sometimes, all too much afraid. Of fireworks, big barking dogs, thunderstorms, etc. Just knowing that there are kids and grown people like that getting by, surviving in this world without the slightest care for societal norms - the ones marketed to us every day - I feel great! In fact, I bet a lot of people at Variety feel great too, maybe not every day but in small moments of external realization, they know exactly how petty everything is and how important simple cycles are.
***personal note: is it so wrong that I feel more connected to special needs kids than perfectly normal ones? Perhaps it is like how medivh Nelson Mandela is guilty of the inattention he paid to his family but great for the attention he gave to his country and people
Anyway, I have to fill out that City Year app this week so I can buy myself 2 months. Maybe my time in NC will make the most pivotal influence in this upcoming decision. I look forward to it.
****second personal note: It's been more than 3 years since I've last been in a relationship. My first relationship. Sometimes I don't consider it a relationship, perhaps an "amplified, forced friendship." One "uncle" told me some years ago that I'd be in 3 more by the time I hit 21. I don't know how to feel about this - certainly not bad! And a lot of times I feel that I'd be fine single. And it does feel great to have the amount of time that I have. But at the same time, I feel useless and sometimes alone, I mean, being alone. I thought of this yesterday in Borders when I took another "uncle's" youngest son in to go buy a book with our handy 33% off coupon. While I struck gold and found Chew (though I didn't buy it), kid #3 got a thick chapter book. Some kids these days can READ. Anyway, I don't know how I came to even think it but I suddenly developed a very fatherly feeling for him, in just a moment. I then started to think how cool it would be to be a dad and how I would be very much open to adoption.
Now, I'm thinking of what I once told a friend when she asked me how being gay came to be frowned upon in society. A feel like an important thing about the notion is that being gay doesn't create original life, while mating between a man and a woman does. My reasoning at the time to my friend was that since our world is densely overpopulated, it would actually make sense for there to be more gays in the world. This was around the first two years of middle school.
Anyway, I better end here. Blogging takes up too much time.
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